full time single father, part time internet addiction.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

This Time Next Week Two Years.

March tenth two thousand ten I will be two years sober. Though over the past two years I have been on probation and not able to drink due to the fact they would randomly test me I preferred not to drink. Don't get me wrong, I want to drink more than anything in the world some days. I am so jealous of people who can control and moderate themselves when they drink, but I am not one of those people, and actually far from it.

Honestly, in the beginning the reason I originally quit drinking was to prove Aubrey wrong. One night we were fighting about my drinking and she said that she didn't think I could go a week without it.* As hard headed as I was I stopped for that week if only to prove her wrong. Being sober for a week really opened my eyes though. I saw how much my drinking was hurting our relationship let alone the fact we had a baby on the way and as a family we were about to deal with the struggles of my second DUI. I saw how the drinking, that I thought was casual, was causing me to completely forget, AKA 'blackout', when Aubrey and I were having conversations at night. Where I would wake up the next morning after we had a heart to heart asking; 'what did we do last night?' In my mind I was only having a few drinks after work.
As the first week of being sober continued on I realized even if I wanted to I couldn't drink. We had just found out Aubrey was pregnant with our baby, we had little to no money left for my drinking, and I was soon to be on probation. As the soberness went on I had changed in my head due to being sober to prove someone wrong to realizing I needed to maintain this for myself. To make any achievement you have to make a change that you actually want for yourself, and I realized I wanted this. I could have been cheating the system of probation and causally drinking pushing the envelope risking it, but I wanted to be sober. I finally realized that drinking was something I could never do once and awhile. I could never drink just a few drinks here and there. It was always drink a lot, and do it often. Though I have had a fairly short drinking career it had been like that since the days I was able to supply myself with enough alcohol to drink in excess and drink it in excess whenever I wasn't working.

Coming up soon being off probation people constantly ask me if I will start drinking again. Obviously after reading this, but not so obvious to them, the answer is no. I would give anything to do it casually but I am only kidding myself thinking that is a possibility. I know from experience that if I were to try and do it sparsely and casually that would last a short time then I would be right back into the same rut. I would be risking a third DUI with ease. I would be risking the safety of my son. That is how it would be the rest of my life until it came to a horrible end if I were to pick up a bottle again.

As confident as I would like to sound I am still terrified. I see those bottles sometimes and consider talking whoever into letting me have one hurrah. That would only be the first step. That Jim Beam speaks to me like poetry though. So to whoever reads this I am asking for your help. Though I know I can do it on my own don't tempt me, and keep a watchful eye on me. I don't want to scare anyone because I know I would never make a mistake but please.

I thank Aubrey for this change as it was not only one night of her pleading with me to stop. It was not just the bet she gave me to quit either. There were some nights down the road when I would confide in her that I planned on drinking again after probation. At those times she helped me to see clearly and realize in those times I was misguided. If it were not for her, despite the fact of the second DUI, the baby on the way, the probation, and the everything else, if it weren't for her I would still drink, and for that I thank her. That is a life saved, and who knows, maybe more.

*The last night I ever drank I was drinking cheap vodka and ginger ale after work. I had a few drinks before Aubrey and I headed to a small party with my friend Matt. There I had some beers and we headed to the mall. The mall was closed but there was a midnight release of some video game that night. I stood there being the only one drunk drinking Sparks that I had snuck in. After our friends purchased their video games at midnight we headed to Old Chicago inside the mall and I had a margarita or two, then we went home. I may have had more drinks when home, I don't remember. That night was like many others previous but it was the last night I have even drank alcohol.


  1. I like this post...
    I've always believe that a parent who TRULY loves their child will not be selfish with their ways.
    I cheer you on.

  2. so honered to have you as a friend, you amazing. GO KYLE!