I am about to mail this to Esquire...
To Whom it may concern:
I was hoping this letter might reach Chuck Klosterman in some way. It is, fan-mail if you will. Thank you.
My name is Kyle Elliott. About ten years ago my friend Owen some how got a hold of Chuck Palahniuks home address and wrote him a letter. Palahniuk replied a letter and not only that he also made Owen a personal necklace and sent him some other trinkets. I recently remembered this and decided that I would try to write to some of my favorite authors. I began by researching home address'. I began that by Googling Denis Johnson. I tried a few different approaches using Google and the little info I had on his states of residence. I had no luck. I then had my wife try as she is good at Googling things. We found no exact address, only cities. I then had her try finding your home address, again no luck. Later on I figured I could send the letter to Esquire because I know you work/worked there and I am hoping the letter will reach you. As of the time being I did get an e-mail back from someone at Esquire saying that if I do sent this letter, they will pass it on to you.
I am currently reading Downtown Owl. I am about halfway through it. Though there are some parts that bore me I am enjoying it. I think it would be a great candidate to turn into a movie. People who did not understand its symbolism, me, would still be entertained by watching it. The first book of yours that I read was Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs and I loved it. I purchased it right away and have since read it again. I found it very funny and entertaining. It was also very insightful and creative. My favorite part was the questionnaire thing, and the question about meeting someone on a date who is really into Jim Henson's The Dark Crystal, that made me laugh out loud. My favorite chapter was the one about when you played the computer game, The Sims. Very smart and well written. I have not actually read any of your stuff in Esquire though, but I have read a few of your other books, or at least skimmed through them. The rock and roll setting of them is not really my thing, regardless I still liked your other stuff enough to dub you 'one of my favorite authors.' I have read about your new book that is coming out, Eating the Dinosaur, and I am really excited for that. I am planning on that to be a really good book.
I am not entirely sure about my motives in writing you. More or less I am curious to see if you will receive this letter and write back to me, it would always be something I can said I did. I am curious to see what books and authors you enjoy though. Right now I usually tell Amazon what books I like and they tell me others I might like. I do find good books other ways but I am curious what are you reading these days? Do you have a personal blog? I tried finding one but again, no luck. I have one, kylesdrunk.com, its nothing interesting. What is it like working with A. J. Jacobs? I know he works/worked at Esquire. I just finished reading The Know it All by him, he is so full of himself and at the same time pretends that he is not. He tries to do this in a funny way too but it rarely is. You are a much better writer than he is. If I did want to try and write to some other authors do you have any ideas on how I could contact them?
Thank you for your time. I am looking forward to possibly hearing from you. My e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org if that helps. Thanks again.